Took the road less travelled // Yeh I’m tired but I’m so far from the ending // Everyday I’m evolving, god keep giving
I’ve never seen myself as a selfish person. In fact, when you look on the surface, it’s probably the furthest adjective you’d use to describe me as a human being. However, the older I get, the more I’m beginning to wonder is if I’m actually an inherently selfish person.
Why do I think this way?
I’ve always been about ‘living my best life’ and in the classic Sagittarius manner, I’ve been blessed (or cursed) with an insane wanderlust. I did courses overseas while at Uni, I travelled after high school before I even started uni. And then, after my post -graduation Euro trip and after quitting my first job, within 2 weeks from deciding to do it, at 22 I was on a place to move to the other side of the country. To make matters worse, just shy of 3 years after boarding that plane, I was on a different plane. This time, moving across the world to London.
So why does this make me inherently selfish?
Maybe it’s to do with classic Jewish mother guilt in that I feel guilty for living so far away from my parents. For not being around to see my grandparents as they get older. For not being there for my baby brother who’s 10 years younger than me, and therefore missing his prime adolescent growing years. For not living near my parents and enjoying the life that they built up from scratch.
But at the same time, why should I feel guilty or selfish for wanting to be on this massive journey of self-discovery? This massive journey of exploring the world and living my best life to the very definition of the cliché. For the most part, I don’t suffer from guilt. I don’t think I’m being selfish. I’m just doing me and being me; or so I tell myself. I think in a way it would be more selfish of me if I stayed in Perth and grew to resent everyone around me because I wasn’t releasing that part of me that needs to fly the coup.
Ironically, I’ve always identified with birds. This is ironic as I’m absolutely terrified of birds- specifically geese and swans. But if you look at birds, like really look at them, they’re almost inevitably individuals who are part of a larger family. And that larger family moves away from the nest, but often returns, only to leave again. And I guess that’s where I see I see my life right now. Maybe I have to be selfish for a bit and explore the world. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s not- depends on your view point I guess. But It’s what I need to do.
There’s a verse in a Khelani song that I’m obsessed with called ‘Already Won’
Took the road less travelled
Yeh I’m tired but I’m so far from the ending
Everyday I’m evolving, god keep giving
This whole song sticks in my head. Listen to it- it’s inspirational AF and Khelani’s voice is syrupy smooth. But these lines, to me, are synonymous with my whole ‘not feeling guilty or selfish vibes’. Does it suck sometimes to be so far away from friends and family? To miss birthdays. To miss engagements. To miss religious high holidays with my family. To miss those Saturday nights where we go to the same clubs and have the same BS drama and arguments? For sure it 100% does.
But does it discourage me from being on this mad, crazy journey of trying to live what I think is authentically my best life?